“Ooh, I thought you’d like that,” my mother giddily told me during a video call in 2013. This was after she stood up, turned around, bent over, and lifted her nightshirt; attempting to expose labia, pubic hair, and buttocks. This familiar gesture of hers was quickly thwarted by another’s hand covering her webcam, intentionally sparing me of this horrific scene – more on that later.
How long had it been since I last saw her? Maybe a year? Probably less. It had been even longer since she had shown me her reproductive organs. I once believed that she would never do it again – I was wrong.
At that time in 2013, two different time zones separated my mother from me, but thanks to modern technology, I could never get far enough away. Unfortunately, the image of my mother’s “nether regions” is permanently branded into my mind, to the extent that I’m absolutely sure I could pick it out in a line-up. Distance and time haven’t lessened this.
After demanding an explanation, it felt like everything imploded inside of me upon her response. Hearing my mother giggle and say, “Ooh, I thought you’d like that,” is fucking horrifying.
That was it, she moved on to the next subject and I reluctantly obliged. My abuser successfully conveyed her entitled authority over me. what she truly meant – “I own you”. This is just one example of Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse (MDSA).
I’m not an expert in this field; I’m a survivor trying to make sense of it all. How can I live a normal life when my first impression of this world was pain and violence from the very person I depended on for survival? I’ve gone no-contact with her, and healing still often feels like an unrealistic goal. Yet, I know I’m not alone in this. Many of us who have experienced sexual abuse (SA) from our mothers understand how society invalidates our reality. I hope this article can help people like me and raise awareness for everyone else.
Dear Readers, follow me on this exploratory journey of the most debilitating abuse a child can endure from a mother. In this article, we will discuss Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse (MDSA), including non-physical and physical sexual abuse, its effects, and effective coping strategies.
First, I want to thank the authors, researchers, and survivors who have shared their truth. Your stories and support have given me the strength to write this and have shown me that I am not alone. You are helping me to overcome this shame.
What is Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse? Is it common?
Simply put, MDSA is a term used to describe when a mother sexually abuses her daughter [1]. Easy enough to comprehend, yet difficult for society to acknowledge. Studies show that lack of research and reporting on MDSA are a few contributing reasons. SA is far more underreported than we think, and victims of female child sex offenders are less likely to report than victims of male child sex offenders. [2]
Due to unequal perceptions of gender roles, mothers are seen as caregivers and have a positive public image. They also appear to have a low risk of harming their children. However, when sexual abuse is involved, people have difficulty accepting it. This can lead to internalized misogyny for the victims and may explain why they delay disclosing this type of abuse [1]. This has been true for me.
“You’re exaggerating”, “You’re too sensitive” ,“She’s your mother” ,“She didn’t mean it” , “She has changed”, “It’s innocent” ,“That’s not sexual abuse”
Victims often face dismissal and downplaying when sharing their experiences or seeking help. Abusers flourish in environments with little supervision and unrestricted access to vulnerable individuals, regardless of their background. This is especially advantageous for an abusive mother. It is challenging for the abused child to find help and be taken seriously. The abusive mother has manipulated those closest to her, and society has shielded her from consequences.
Another challenge for MDSA survivors is that they commonly face non-physical sexual abuse in public and private settings, which is often dismissed or seen as normal “mother-daughter” activities.
Other common traits of MDSA include an abusive mother showing symptoms of a personality disorder and engaging in severe emotional and physical abuse without sexual components.
Sexual abuse (SA) is defined as:
the engaging in sexual contact with a person who is below a specified age or who is incapable of giving consent because of age or mental or physical incapacity. [3]
SA can occur with or without physical contact. Understanding this has helped me recognize the extent of my mother’s abuse.
Physical vs. Non-physical Sexual Abuse
SA WITHOUT Physical Contact
It’s important to understand that SA can occur without physical interaction. The narrative surrounding SA is often focused on overtly physical offenses that are clear and obvious. According to STOPITNOW.ORG, SA without physical contact can include [4]:
Exposing a person’s genitals to a child, or asking children to expose themselves.
Exhibitionism is:
A paraphilia in which the genitals are exposed to an unsuspecting stranger as a means of achieving sexual excitement, but without any attempt at further sexual activity with the stranger. [5]
My mother was consistent with flashing her genatalia. She claimed that it was my fault for looking when I would beg her not to bend over in front of me. This behavior of hers was very normalized in my home. A few outsiders were aware of this and on occassion subjected to it.
Her exhibitionism was so frequent that when she tried flashing me during the video call mentioned earlier, none of the bystanders reacted more than what I already described. The confidence of her to do this in front of others comes from years of grooming and desensitizing those around her.
Sometimes there was physical contact. During her menstruation, she would sometimes wear a tampon without underwear, and I would play with the exposed string like a cat. She thought it was cute. This was before her body started to repulse me.
Voyeurism is:
A paraphilia in which preferred or exclusive sexual interest and arousal is focused on observing unsuspecting people who are naked, in the act of undressing, or engaging in sexual activity. Although the voyeur seeks no sexual activity with the person observed, orgasm is usually produced through masturbation during the act of “peeping” or later, while visualizing and remembering the event.[6]
She use to watch me get undressed, “It ain’t nothing I haven’t seen before”. She masked this as being a caring mother. As I got older, she became more covert with her voyeuristic acts. Sometimes I would catch her watching me through a crack in the door, I did my best to make it seem like I never noticed. I felt guilty for being grossed out by her.
Asking a child to interact sexually with someone else.
My mother used to drive around various places and encourage others and myself to “cat call” pedestrians. This later progressed to her encouragement of exposing our buttocks or breasts to other vehicles we drove past, affectionately labeling it as a “pressed ham” for the butt and a “pressed teat” for the breasts. My childhood friend and love was exposed to this as well as encouraged to participate in these activities. If she were still alive, I think she would be proud of me for finally disclosing my mother’s abuse.
My mother encouraged a child under the age of five to grab their mother’s breasts and shout, “TITTIES”! Others and myself were also encouraged to trigger the child into groping their mother. We did this in public spaces, and no one did a goddamn thing to confront it. If the Super Wal-Mart in East Peoria, IL keeps security footage from over 25 years ago, then everyone could witness this abhorrent display of child sexual abuse (CSA). To the sweet child who was forced into this sexual act, I am sorry that I could not protect you, you have always deserved so much better.
Photographing a child in sexual poses.
During my infancy, my mother took pornographic photos of me, sometimes she was in them, mostly they were just of me. She said, “What? It’s cute,” or “I just wanted to take a sexy picture,” when I asker her about them.
Exposing a child to sexual acts (including masturbation) either in person or through digital, computer, or video images.
Some of my earliest memories are of watching pornography. My mother treated me like I was doing something wrong for watching them. But why was she showing them to me? Why would she give me Victoria’s Secret catalogs, then physically beat me for looking at them? The emotional and physical abuse that comes with this can be quite intense.
Here are some important terms to become familiar with, as well as my personal experiences:
Emotional & Covert Incest, Enmeshment
The APA defines covert incest as:
A form of emotional abuse in which a parent turns to their child as a surrogate partner, seeking from the child the emotional support that would more appropriately be provided by the person’s spouse or another adult. [7]
The APA defines emotional incest as:
A form of child sexual abuse consisting of nonphysical sexualized interactions between a parent figure and a child. Emotional incest may involve the caregiver commenting on the child’s sexual attractiveness, drawing attention to the caregiver’s own arousal to the child or the size or shape of the child’s secondary sexual characteristics (e.g., breasts, pubic hair), or implying that the child is sexually active (e.g., calling the child a slut). [8]
Some sources use covert and emotional incest interchangeably, while others omit the sexual abuse component. Victims of MDSA have reported the overwhelming presence of covert/emotional incest, which has also been my experience.
Another important term that surrounds this, and is sometimes used interchangeably, is enmeshment. The APA defines it as:
A condition in which two or more people, typically family members, are involved in each other’s activities and personal relationships to an excessive degree, thus limiting or precluding healthy interaction and compromising individual autonomy and identity. [9]
How I best understand it is that covert incest usually involves a parent and a child, while enmeshment can extend to others in the family unit. Dr. Kenneth Adams, a renowned researcher and pioneer in the exploring and defining of covert incest, also explains this as:
Enmeshment describes the nature of the ongoing relationship; covert incest defines the earlier sexual inappropriateness [10]
From the APA definition, emotional incest includes:
“Commenting on the child’s sexual attractiveness”
This can look like, but is not limited to, (1) body shaming
the act or practice of subjecting someone to criticism or mockery for supposed bodily faults or imperfections [11];
or (2) sexualization
to make sexual : endow with a sexual character or cast [12].
My experience with this is as follows:
My mother has always made comments about my hips and buttocks. “You’re gonna’ have a nice figure”. As my body began to change, she contemptively told me, “You ain’t got nothin’,” referring to the development of my breasts. How could a mother praise my “figure” as a small child, then look at my body with disgust as a teenager? Am I the only one who bears this weight of a painful existence?
“Drawing attention to the caregiver’s own arousal to the child or the size or shape of the child’s secondary sexual characteristics (e.g., breasts, pubic hair)”,
Readers, this detailed account of abuse haunts every living cell of my being. My experience is as follows:
According to my mother, her and I both thoroughly enjoyed the act of breastfeeding while in my infancy. Things she has said, I wish I could forget,
“You couldn’t get enough, always suckin’ me dry,” or “Oooh, you used to love suckin’ on ‘em, always yankin’ my nips.”
This made her laugh and grin from ear to ear. She used to share this story with others, these people found it comedic. How can I put into words what type of irreversible damage this has caused me?
Sometimes she would just repeat the word “suck” over and again. The physical reaction I feel while writing about this causes me great physical pain. Sharing my story helps the symptoms.
“Implying that the child is sexually active (e.g., calling the child a slut)”
A significant part of my experience involves growing up in a pentacostal charismatic evangelical religious group. Purity is highly emphasized, and having sexual relations before marriage is strongly discouraged. Despite experiencing CSA from an adult male within the church, I was blamed for encouraging him.
When I was young, I planned how I would end my life if I ever became pregnant by a religious figure or someone associated with that belief. This situation is complex. I couldn’t handle the idea of being labeled a Jezebel by my mother. She even got me a “purity ring”, a commitment to her and her god to stay abstinent until marriage.
“Force child to take on the role of a romantic partner, discuss financial issues, etc”
My mother treated me like a romantic partner, best friend, therapist, whipping boy. It is hard to put into words the role that I fullfilled for her, but the closest modern stereotype that I can relate to is that of an abused, dutiful, and cuckolded husband. When I think about how I felt as her daughter, I should not relate more to abused adult men than I do my own peers.
There was not a whole lot that my mother did not tell me about. I know all about her marital issues, past relationships, sexual experiences, financial issues. I know that when she drives down a hill she feels pleasure, “WOOO, I felt that in my crotch, that feels gooood”. I know what it is like to feel her wrath when I failed to properly please her. I know what it feels like when she would try to incite jealousy for her attention. This gave root to an internalized misogyny within me.
Sexual Abuse WITH Physical Contact
SA with physical contact involves any sexual behavior that includes contact between the abuser and victim, which can be disguised as hygienic maintenance between mother and child. My experiences are as follows:
“Shake a Lotta’ Booty” (Shake a Lot of Booty)
I used to play a game with my mother called “Shake a Lot of Booty.” She would prance around while I “juggled” her butt cheeks, singing “Shake a lot of booty, shake a lot of booty.” We did this in public, and I wonder why no one intervened. I can’t recall when we stopped playing, but I do remember feeling uncomfortable when she asked me why we didn’t play the game anymore.
“Imma git ya’” (I am going to get you)
Around the ages of four through seven, I remember my mother pinching my labia and buttocks, saying, “Imma git’ ya,”; she encouraged others to participate. My body has always been the subject of another’s laughter. I wish I felt as much joy for my body as others have felt while ridiculing it. My mother told me that I was born with wide hips, that’s why my underwear never fit properly, and that’s why she pinched me. She actually said, “What? It’s cute!”
Bathtime with Beezelbub
Many survivors have experienced sexual abuse disguised as hygenic practices. My mother used to force me to bathe with her until the age of 12 or 13. We used to wash each other. There are things that happened in that bathtub that I struggle to put into words. This is the best I can do for now.
Our bathing sessions ended when I begged and cried for her not to make me do it anymore. She yelled, “I AM YOUR MOTHER!” So I got in the tub with her. That was the last time. My body feels brittle at the recollection of this. My body still feels that pain.
Reported Long-Term Affects for MDSA Victims
We all cope in different ways. If a child is exposed to chronic CSA from their mother, it’s natural for them to resort to unsafe coping strategies. This is how I have coped:
I have struggled with addiction and self-harm. I have attempted suicide five times, three of those afforded me ambulatory rides to the hospital psychiatric ward. I have spent 28 days in a substance and alcohol abuse rehabilitation center. I have struggled with eating disorders and still struggle with body image. I have attempted to disfigure my face twice. I use to fantacize about intravenously using heroine to the point of death. I thought it would be poetic to die similarly to “The Matchstick Girl” by Hans Christian Anderson. I struggled with wetting the bed until the age of 27, after going no-contact with my mother. My experience with most romantic, platonic, and working relationships have been repeating cycles of abuse from people similar to her. This was the standard she set for me.
Victims of society’s quick dismissal of women offenders, particularly mothers, often suffer in silence, finding it incredibly difficult to talk about their pain. This leads to diminished self-esteem and a lack of trust in oneself, one’s memories, and one’s experiences.
MDSA survivors need more understanding, professional research, and validation. Not being heard or seen is detrimental, as we all need connection. As a survivor, I long for human connection and validation. Trust will always be a struggle as long as society continues to make excuses for abusive mothers.
Five Things That Help Me Healthily Cope with MDSA Trauma
Finding ways to cope through an abnormal situation is difficult. Through trial and error, I have found strategies that have helped me improve my quality of life and desire to live. Readers, please share your strategies in the comment section, I look forward to reading them.
Showing Yourself Compassion
The first time someone suggested that I be kind to myself, it confused me. I wondered why I should show myself kindness when I felt undeserving of it. I thought that being encouraging would only reinforce the idea that I was worthy, which I couldn’t accept. But I held onto that suggestion, grateful for the seed of hope it planted.
To anyone feeling the same way, let me plant a seed of hope for you. You deserve kindness simply because you are alive. Genuine kindness is vital for our growth and development. We can be kind to ourselves, even if it’s just a little at a time. Practicing compassion and patience for myself works for me and I hope it will work for you. In my opinion, a good starting point is affirming to yourself that you never deserved abuse; nobody does, no matter the circumstances.
Seek Professional Help
I appreciate knowing that mental health professionals are meant to help without pushing hidden agendas. If they overstep, I have the right to report them or find a new provider, which makes me feel safer sharing my vulnerabilities.
However, not all professionals are safe. I have experienced abuse from some who invalidated my experiences and worse. It’s okay to switch if you don’t feel safe with yours. Seeking mental healthcare is important, just be cautious. Good professionals understand this and won’t make you feel bad.
Reducing Interaction and a Safe Exodus
I found that reducing contact with my mother gave me more energy, improved my ability to concentrate, and made me feel better overall. I never thought I could go no-contact due to our enmeshed relationship, but as I spent more time away from her, my confidence grew. I finally gained enough courage to break that attachment when I became pregnant. There was no way I would expose my child to someone like her.
This is my experience, not advice. However, I believe that safely reducing interaction with your abuser and setting boundaries can improve your quality of life. I support those who choose to go no-contact for their own safety, as I am one of those people. I am not a professional, this is just my opinion based on my experience.
Start Practicing to Trust Self
Some people may try to discredit you for discussing your trauma, it comes with the territory, although it is not okay. Dismissing or minimizing someone’s trauma are forms of emotional abuse. Abusers want you to distrust yourself, as it helps them control you better. Practice trusting your body when it tells you something is off. If someone is discouraging you to trust yourself, even if it is your mother, then that person may be trying to manipulate you.
Feel
We can’t control our feelings, so let’s acknowledge and embrace them. It’s okay to feel anger towards our abusers and to be honest with ourselves. In an unsafe environment, emotional processing is hindered, but no longer feeling shame for my true emotions towards my mother has been crucial to my healing journey.
In conclusion, Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse happens more than we realize and it has everlasting consequences. Not everybody makes it out. Thank you for embarking on this harrowing journey of healing with me.
If you need help or more information from people more knowledgeable about this than me, please visit the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) website https://rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones or call 800.656.HOPE.
References
- Lin, A. E., Young, J. A., & Guarino, J. E. (2022). Mother-daughter sexual abuse: An exploratory study of the experiences of survivors of MDSA using Reddit. Children and Youth Services Review, 138, 106497. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2022.106497
- Uncovering female child sexual offenders—Needs and challenges for practice and research. PubMed Central (PMC). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6463078/
- Legal definition of sexual abuse. Merriam-Webster: America’s Most Trusted Dictionary. https://www.merriam-webster.com/legal/sexual%20abuse
- Stop It Now | Stop It Now. https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/non-physical-contact-behaviors
- APA dictionary of psychology. APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/exhibitionism
- APA dictionary of psychology. APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/voyeurism
- APA dictionary of psychology. APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/covert-incest
- APA dictionary of psychology. APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/emotional-incest
- APA dictionary of psychology. APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/enmeshment
- Understanding Covert Incest: An Interview with Kenneth Adams. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201510/understanding-covert-incest-interview-kenneth-adams
- Definition of BODY-SHAMING. Merriam-Webster: America’s Most Trusted Dictionary. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/body-shaming
- Definition of sexualize. Merriam-Webster: America’s Most Trusted Dictionary. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sexualize
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